Strategies On How To Overcome Sexual Performance Anxiety
Even if you have by your side the best girl in the world the smartest, sexiest, most beautiful woman for you, it still doesnt mean youll be free of anxiety. Heck, that might even be the cause of it, since youre constantly gonna wonder whether youre good enough for her.
When were at a certain point in our lives when were particularly vulnerable or fragile, it often reflects in our psychological state as well and our sex life.
If Your Partner Is Avoiding Sex
Its a delicate situation if your partner is avoiding sex and you dont know why. Here are some thoughts to keep in mind.
- First and foremost: Dont assume. Its upsetting if they are avoiding intimacy with you. However, the reason for your partners sex avoidance may be very different from what youd expect e.g., it might be anxiety about their ability to please you.
- A healthy relationship strikes a balance between your partners needs and your own. If the issue around sex is creating significant dissatisfaction for you, and you dont understand why its happening, it may be worth addressing directly with your partner.
- Remember that the reason may have nothing to do with you personally it could be related to a medical issue, a prior traumatic experience, or to insecurities or anxiety that are specific to your partner.
The Bedroom Is Not A Stage
Here is something to consider if you deal with performance anxiety: Sex is not a performance at all. There is no audience critiquing your form or your endurance or strength. If youâre worried about your partnerâs perception of you, try to remember, they are also being vulnerable and having a sexual experience too. Try to think about the things they might be nervous about, and then notice how little you care about these nuanced worries.
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Sex Is Not A Life Or Death Situation Your Partner Only Wants Sexual Pleasure
You are taking this sexual performance anxiety situation very seriously.
Shes literally and completely opening up to you shes here to give you pleasure and complete satisfaction. She offers herself to you for the moment at least.
If you dont get it up, you wont die!. If you ejaculate quickly, your life wont end!. If you dont make her orgasm, this wont be the last time you have sex !.
Get rid of the pressure!. Stop worrying too much!.
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And if she leaves because the first time you guys tried sex, you didnt perform like a porn star? Okay, yeah, she wasnt worth it.
Breaking The Sexual Dysfunction
Experiences of sexual dysfunction can often be very anxiety-provoking. Regardless of what causes the first instance or the specific subtype , anxiety and depression can help perpetuate it.
Sexual dysfunction is often better thought of as a symptom or consequence of a person’s anxiety or depression. Breaking this cycle is largely dependent on how well the disorders are managed. The common thread running through them is a distorted pattern of thinking about the self. Negative sexual experiences can condition an anxiety response in future sexual encounters.
Avoidance is one of the most common ways to deal with anxiety. This is a natural response that has been shaped over thousands of years of human evolution. When we sense a threat, our natural response is to distance ourselves from it, which provides an immediate benefit. You can imagine thousands of years ago that this was a very helpful self-preservation trait.
Such a response to stress and anxiety today produces short-term benefit but long-term problems. By immediately leaving or avoiding a stressful situation altogether, anxiety will temporarily abate. But it remains unresolved and will return every time you are exposed to the same stress-inducing stimulus. Therefore, avoidance is not an effective strategy in overcoming anxiety.
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Loosen Up With An Anxiety Supplement
Sexual performance anxiety is, at its core, a psychological issue rather than a physiological one. For this reason, you may find it helpful to loosen up with an anxiety supplement before sex.
The obvious one here is alcohol. Alcohol can decrease social anxiety and help us to feel more confident, especially in bed. Its certainly not a bad option, but too much of it will do us more harm than good.
So, is there a better option?
While there are many anxiety supplements that can work on sexual performance anxiety, my personal recommendation would be phenibut.
For many years, phenibut has been my go-to supplement for reducing symptoms of anxiety and stress. Phenibut is great for sex, as it makes you feel significantly more confident and euphoric. Best of all, phenibut doesnt seem to come with the same sexual side effects as alcohol.
Here is my favorite source for phenibut. Its pretty strong stuff, so just be sure to use it as instructed and dont overdo it.
Sex Avoidance And Anxiety: How Are They Related
September 6, 2021 by Dr. Paul Greene
Anxiety can lead people to avoid all kinds of things even sex. Understanding the role anxiety plays is a critical part to addressing sex avoidance.
One of the reasons you dont read a lot about sex avoidance is because its more likely a symptom than a problem. What is it a symptom of?
There are many possibilities, including relationship problems, low libido , mismatched libido, and anxiety. There are other possibilities, too, of course. Anxiety is only one possible cause of sex avoidance, but this article will focus on it.
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The Problem May Not Be In Your Erogenous Zone
Many people who fail to reach a climax during sexual intercourse have no underlying physical problem. Instead, the problem may be due in part or whole to worrying about not being able to perform. In such cases, you may need a bit of old fashioned reason rather than a Viagra pill.
So how can worrying about performing sexually actually prevent you from performing? The first thing to note is that worrying about not performing sexually distracts you from sexually interacting with your partner. Often, when worrisome people have sex, they don’t give due attention to the more erotic thoughts and responses that typically accompany successful sexual relating. So instead of thinking erotically, you may start thinking and ruminating about how awful it would be if you couldn’t perform, how this would reflect poorly on your masculinity or femininity, and what your partner might think of you.
Such thinking produces performance anxiety. Anxiety is a future-oriented emotion in which you catastrophize about the consequences of a possible future event. In the case of sexual performance anxiety, the event in question is failure to perform sexually, and the perceived catastrophic consequences are loss of self-respect and fear of how you think othersespecially your sex partnerwould view you.
Accepting You Have Sexual Performance Anxiety Can Be Helpful
We are programmed to believe that from birth we should all be fully aware of our sexual prowess. I remember my friend telling me what happened when he first had sex with a girl at the age of 14 and how the girl went on to tell her friends she was not satisfied He stressed that he felt embarrassed to hear that.
None of us came into this world knowing about sex already, and even after decades of having sex, there is always more to learn.
This adds to the fact that we are all human with a wide range of emotions, which definitely makes sex more complicated.
Be sincere to yourself and admit the fact that youve got a lot to learn about sex, and that youre anxious about the situation.
The quicker you stop lying to yourself about your actual situation, the quicker you will be in contact with your real self, and this alone will loosen the grip of fear on your sexual performance anxiety situation.
The Link Between Performance Anxiety And Ed
There is a strong link between performance anxiety and sexual dysfunction for both men and women.
The reason for this is because the body responds to our thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes. When people especially men become anxious about their performance, their body responds in turn.
This means that they may become unable to get an erection. For fear of being unable to please their partner or perform well, they actually become entirely unable to perform at all. Subconsciously, this prevents them from having to run the risk of performing badly.
In most cases, sexual performance anxiety emerges as a result of some sort of undesirable feelings. When a man feels inadequate, undesirable, or has low self-esteem, he may begin to doubt his ability to perform. Unsatisfying sexual experiences can also lead to the development of performance anxiety.
Try Taking Penetrative Sex Off The Table
Take the pressure off yourself and try taking penetrative sex off the table. Try other means of intimate sex instead. This might elevate the pressure to âperformâ. Focusing more so on the sensual part of sex could be a much-needed reprieve. If penetrative sex is off the table, try other ways of enjoying your partner. Try focusing on more sensual things like:
- Mega make out kissing
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Effective Strategies For Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction
To overcome sexual dysfunction, strategies involve moving away from avoiding distressing situations and toward a modified way of thinking and specific actions that help reduce distress.
The American Psychological Association13, in conjunction with the Encyclopedia of Psychology14, identify specific approaches for managing and overcoming each type of sexual dysfunction. Although there are some variations between types of sexual dysfunction, common themes run through the various treatment plans.
1. Get treatment for any physiological cause of sexual dysfunction
2. Identify negative thoughts and attitudes about sex that promote anxiety. Psychologists and sex therapists can be great resources for this work.
3. Refocus your attention away from the completion of intercourse and toward intimacy and closeness. When the focus of the interaction is sexual performance, anxiety will often mount and increase sexual dysfunction. Shifting your focus to intimacy that is not contingent upon sexual arousal or orgasm a closer relationship and an experience that has a greater likelihood of success and reduced pressure to perform.
4. Develop increased tolerance for distress. Engaging in avoidance maintains the anxiety response.
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Causes Of Sexual Performance Anxiety For Men
For men, sexual performance anxiety can come from a number of avenues. It could be something as small as reading an article about modern day sexual practices and thinking youre not doing it right, to changes in your body as you grow older.
Other causes of sexual performance anxiety for men include:
- Alcohol, smoking, illegal drugs and some prescription medicines
- Recovery from illness or surgery
- Stress and anxiety
So its worth bearing in mind if you know any of these might be an issue. In some circumstances, erectile problems can be the first symptom of other medical conditions, so its best to get checked out by your GP to establish whether there is an underlying cause.
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Four Ways To Help Relieve Premature Ejaculation
1. Open up about PE.
Premature ejaculation is a problem that causes many men to feel shamebut it shouldn’t, and its important to talk to your partner about it.
This is particularly important if PE is making you completely avoid sex. Odds are, your partner will be understanding and willing to work with you on ways to address it to ensure everyone is getting the sex they want. Sometimes that bit of reassurance may be all thats necessary for mild PE to go away, especially if it stems from anxiety.
2. Take the problem into your own hands.
There are a number of manual approaches you can use to reduce the frequency of PE. Two of the best known are the stop-start method and the squeeze technique. Choose one and practice either by yourself or with your partner.
In many cases, these exercises can solve the problem with no additional treatment necessary.
3. Start using a condom or choose a thicker one.
Adding an extra barrier is an easy way to reduce sensitivity and prevent premature ejaculation. Look for condoms that are advertised as “Extra Strength” or “Extra Safe.”
If youre new to using condoms, remember to use lots of lube in order to improve enjoyment and avoid causing pain and irritation.
4. Use a numbing spray or cream.
For immediate relief from premature ejaculation, consider a topical medication to help desensitize your penis.
Sexual Anxiety In Marriage
Even in a marriage, we can feel the pressure to perform and please our partner.
When you measure the quality of sex youre having by the number of orgasms you give your partner instead of the emotional connection you shared, you start to emphasize performance over intimacy. You put yourself under a lot of anxiety and pressure to perform at a certain level every time.
The truth is, our bodies change over time. Age, medical issues, life stressors, and more can affect both sexual desire and performance. Instead of feeling shame for things beyond your control, you will enjoy a stronger connection with your partner when you let go of expectations. And engage in more self-compassion!
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Mindful Focus: Being In The Moment Not In Your Head
The constructive alternative to self-monitoring is focusing our attention on the experience in the moment, and to to treat any self-evaluative and worrying thoughts as unimportant background noise. This is called mindfulness. For the actor, mindful focus means throwing herself utterly into the role, and saving evaluation until the performance is over. For the conversationalist, mindful focus means focusing with curiosity what is being said in the moment, and saying whatever comes to mind naturally, without scripting.
For the man being sexual, mindfulness means focusing our attention on any or all of the pleasurable sensations we are experiencing in the momenttouch, sight, sound, smell, tasteas well as focusing on any pleasant emotions we may be experiencingexcitement, affection, enjoyment. Mindfulness when being sexual also means distancingdefusingfrom any evaluative or worrying thoughts and feelings we may be having, treating them like unimportant background noise.
Well, this takes a lot of practice! Some of us have become so used to self-evaluating and worrying while being sexualand often before and after being sexual, toothat its unrealistic to expect us to suddenly be in the moment the next time we have sex. And if you wait until having sex to try to be mindfully focused, theres a chance that you will start evaluating how well you are being in the momentwhich will only worsen self-consciousness and self-criticism.