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Why Do I Have Separation Anxiety From My Boyfriend

How Does Separation Anxiety Disorder Effect Adults

What does Separation Anxiety look like in your cat and how can you help?

Signs & Symptoms

  • What if something bad happens to my parents/spouse?
  • What if I get lost or something bad happens to me?
  • What if my spouse forgets to pick me up after work?
  • What if I get attacked or mugged?
  • What if I my boss asks me to stay late or to go away to that conference?
Physical feelings:
  • Reluctance to apply for a job, or to seek a promotion
  • Avoidance of participation in new activities or going places without a loved one
  • Refusal to spend time alone
  • Nightmares

Causes Of Anxiety In Relationships

There are very serious issues that cause anxiety and much less serious issues that can cause anxiety. Yet all anxiety is a struggle, and when you find yourself with relationship anxiety it’s something that you want to cure. Some of the universal causes of relationship anxiety include:

  • Loss of Trust: In Relationship Future

Easily the most common cause of anxiety is uncertainty about the future of the relationship. This can come from lots of fights, or it can come from previous breakups, or it can come from growing distant. No matter the cause, when that trust that the relationship is going to work out is lost, the uncertainty can cause a lot of anxiety as you become unsure of what to do with your life.

  • Loss of Trust: General

Of course, a general loss of trust is also a problem, after things like infidelity or less serious issues like forgetting to run important errands around the home. Trust is a very important part of a relationship, and if the trust is gone it can be very hard to build it back naturally.

  • Fight Eggshells

Fighting often is a problem. But the problem isn’t just that fights involve anger â it’s also this general feeling of worry that you’re going to fight again. This worry can cause significant anxiety because you become too afraid to do anything around the home since you are worried another fight will happen at any moment.

  • Negativity
  • Stress

The Backstory My Upbringing

I didnt have the easiest childhood.

From neglect to emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, I endured a lot of experiences with abandonment.

A lot of negative emotions and memories I pushed aside for years and years, until I entered a relationship with my boyfriend back in 2013.

When you have a lot of repressed feelings of abandonment, when the first person you actually become deeply invested with enters your life, emotions can run rampant.

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Are You Dealing With Post

When my boyfriend and I first talked about moving in together, I floated the idea of separate bedroomsif not immediately, then at least in the future. I have traveled alone, spent birthdays alone, gone to watch NHL games alone. Ive enjoyed countless solo movies and dinners. I once applied for a job across the country from my boyfriend, assuming that he wouldnt have an issue with us living 3,000 miles apart. This is all to say that I am, under normal circumstances, quite independent.

But like many Americans, I have now, at the time of writing, spent 375 days in a row with my partner. We have lived in a city that has mostly been locked down, and weve mostly been inside, together. Reason says I should want to kill him if youd told me at age 16 that I would be stuck in the house with a partner for a whole year, I would have told you that the only likely outcomes were a breakup or death.

But I dont want to kill him. In fact, I am now attached. Im now often anxious to leave my house, especially when he is not coming with me. When I do, I feel like Im both forgetting something and sneaking out to do something dangerous. The other day while driving alone, I had the realization that we’ll be vaccinated soon and, at some point, we will once again have to tell each other about our days. Im lightly worried about readjusting to a more normal version of coupledom, because, right now, I know every time he pees, and I’ve really gotten used to it.

Can You Overcome It

Separation Anxiety in Your Baby and 7 Tips to Deal With It ...

It might not feel like it in the moment, but relationship anxiety can be overcome, though it does take some time and effort. And doing so usually involves more than simply being told that your relationship is fine.

I can tell someone their anxiety doesnt necessarily mean theres an underlying problem in the relationship, and indeed they may be well loved, Robertson says. But until they have felt sense that all is well, that they truly are safe and secure, the anxiety will likely persist.

She encourages addressing relationship anxiety early, before it becomes a problem.

These tips can help you get the ball rolling:

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Lean Into The Discomfort Its Ok

Okay, you might feel shitty at some point during your separation. The point of these tips is not to help you avoid all of those feelings, but to healthily deal with them and work through them, and to alleviate the painful feelings when necessary.

But, it is perfectly okay to let yourself feel sad. Sometimes experiencing and sitting with your emotions helps you process them. You know how they say a good cry can be really cathartic? This is absolutely true.

Let it out. Let yourself feel crappy.

Im almost certain that youll feel better afterward, and better able to manage your feelings. Sometimes, it even helps you redirect your energy. I know after Ive cried and felt mopey, I often feel refreshed and ready to redirect my attention to a more beneficial, productive activity.

Ways To Control Relationship Anxiety

With that in mind, controlling your relationship anxiety has more to do with you than it does with them, and you can’t expect them to contribute. The following are basic strategies for making sure your relationship can heal:

These are both relationship tips and anxiety tips because in some ways they’re very similar.

However, you want to also address your anxiety like it is its own separate condition because in some ways it is. Even when has to do with your relationship, anxiety is still anxiety, and so it’s important that you figure out how to control it and improve your quality of life.


Relationship anxiety is quite common. An individual may already have anxiety in relationships, or it can manifest that way over time. Often this type of anxiety needs to be addressed in two parts â first, addressing the relationship, and second, addressing the anxiety itself.

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Read Also: Will There Ever Be A Cure For Anxiety

While Every Cat Has A Different Personality The General Signs Of Separation Anxiety In Felines Are:

  • Excessive meowing, crying or moaning
  • Eating too fast or not eating at all
  • Excessive self-grooming
  • Elimination outside the litter box
  • Destructive behavior
  • Excitement upon returning from home thats out of the ordinary
  • Vomiting food or hairballs
  • Trying to escape
  • As veterinarians and pet owners, we know that some of these things can be frustrating, particularly the elimination outside the litter box. Many cat owners have gotten the gift of defecation on the bed, in a shoe, or on an item of clothing. Its important to remember that this isnt necessarily a sign of spiteful behavior but can often mean that your cat is looking to mix their scent with yours. Cats believe they are also helping you find your way home. Instincts run deep!

    Do Things That Are Important To You While Youre Away From Your Partner

    How to Overcome Heartbreak, Obsessive Love & Separation Anxiety: Why Can’t I Let Go?

    One of the top tips for handling separation anxiety from a partner is to take action. I cant stress enough how important it is to take advantage of this alone time. You have extra time available to you right now grab that bull by the horns!

    So after youve had a good cry, its time to do something meaningful something that matters to you.

    Set aside some hours to focus on a personal hobby of yours. Or tackle a challenge youve been meaning to attempt. This might not be something crazily ambitious, but you could read a novel youve been putting off for a while.

    Or maybe you can do something that helps you feel close to your partner AND deal with the separation anxiety at the same time. A great example would be getting some family photos printed and placed in albums. You can choose your favorite photos of you and your partner and get creative putting them in photo albums or framing them in your home.

    Youll be thinking of them while you expend creative energy. This activity will make you feel warm and fuzzy inside, plus give you a sense of accomplishment, which will definitely help to reduce some of your anxiety.

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    How Do I Cope With Separation Anxiety While Boyfriend Is Out Of Town

    I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. Im not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesnt keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to.

    I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I dont know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?

    Relationships at any amount of distance can be so hard! It makes sense that you are encountering more anxiety than usual given that major change in your relationship. And you’re right that being separated from our partners can heighten our insecurities and worries about not only our relationship security but about our partner’s interest. Have you talked with your boyfriend about this struggle you’re feeling? It can be hard to have this kind of conversation without triggering a sense of blame and subsequent defensiveness in our partners, but it really is possible. If you have any concerns about being able to do this, then a session or two with a local counselor or therapist might be really helpful – and it really can be just about finding the way to share what you’re feeling.

    Our Boundaries And Borders Have Shrunk So Much In The Last Two Months After Spending So Much Time With Your Partner During Lockdown What Advice Would You Give About Adjusting To More Time Apart

    One of the many reasons why some people are finding lockdown hard to cope with is either they have been alone, which is so hard, or they are on top of each other all the time, which is also really hard.

    Theres not only separation to deal with, but potential feelings of abandonment and self-doubt

    If weve been in lockdown with our partner we will have been on top of each other, both literally and metaphorically, so going out into the outside world again, were not only potentially separating from our partner, were going to be going into a world where its going to be extremely difficult to be physically or emotionally intimate with anyone else again for a while. So, theres not only separation to deal with, but potential feelings of abandonment and self-doubt. We will have to still stay away from a lot of our friends and family, which is a big thing.

    I think theres a number of things we can do. The first is realisation and understanding naming your concerns is really important. Saying to yourself, “This is whats happening, and what Im worried about. Its happening to me. It may be happening to my partner, too.” And at this point its worth remembering that they may not be experiencing things in exactly the same way you do and not to see that as rejection. Its also important to remember that everyone is probably experiencing their own form of this anxiety, too, and theres nothing wrong with that.

    Read Also: What Can Trigger An Anxiety Attack

    What Is Relationship Separation Anxiety

    In some cases, the separation anxiety may be severe enough to diagnose someone with separation anxiety disorder, which is “developmentally inappropriate and excessive fear or anxiety concerning separation from those to whom the individual is attached,” as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders , a manual for assessment and diagnosis of mental disorders. However, not everyone who experiences separation anxiety in relationships will meet these criteria for diagnosis. Like with anything else, separation anxiety in a relationship can look different from couple to couple and person to person it isn’t linear and can be super extreme or relatively mild.

    If you think you might have relationship separation anxiety, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or your relationship. Most people’s responses in relationships come from their childhood experiences, traumas, or unmet needs. Being aware and learning how to communicate about it is one of the most important first steps.

    What Is Separation Anxiety

    Older Kids and Separation Anxiety: How It

    is the fear of being separated from loved ones or people who we perceive to be a source of safety and connection, says Jesse Hanson, PhD, founder of the private practice Hanson Healing and advisor at

    Its worth noting that its normal for anyone to feel some loneliness and uneasiness about being away from loved ones, but when it feels out of control or causes a lot of distress, its a sign that it requires attention, says David Klemanski, PsyD, MPH, a psychologist at Yale Medicine.

    This article explores the characteristics and causes of separation anxiety, its impact on relationships, and strategies to help you deal with it.

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    Why It Hurts To Be Away From Your Partner

    Psychological impacts of long-term separation anxiety

    Everyone knows its no fun to be away from your significant other. Studies using anecdotal evidence have indicated that long-term separation from a romantic partner can lead to increased anxiety and depression as well as problems such as sleep disturbances. Now researchers are identifying the neurochemical mechanisms behind these behavioral and physiological effects.

    In a study published last fall, researchers showed that male prairie voles that had been separated from their female partners for four daysa much shorter amount of separation time than researchers had previously found to affect the voles physiologyexhibited depressionlike behavior and had increased levels of corticosterone, the rodent equivalent of the human stress hormone cortisol. Males that had been separated from their male siblings did not display any of these symptoms, implying the response was tied specifically to mate separation, not just social isolation. When the animals received a drug that blocked corticosterone release, they no longer exhibited depressionlike behavior following partner separation, confirming that stress hormones were at the root of the response.

    Future studies about romantic attachment will focus on using the findings from research such as Youngs and Diamonds to develop new treatments for grief associated with partner separation or loss and for disorders that involve social deficits, such as schizophrenia and autism.

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