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How To Get Over Sexual Performance Anxiety

What Causes Performance Anxiety

How to Overcome Male Performance Anxiety – Esther Perel

In a nutshell, negative thoughts and pessimistic thinking patterns are the root cause of performance anxiety.

Any situation in which you want to perform at your very best yet worry youll fall short can cause this.

Situations as simple as trying to parallel park while your friends watch can trigger the feelings of potentially looking inadequate to your peers. Even famous athletes get performance anxiety. Many people refer to this as choking under pressure.

Oftentimes, were fully capable of completing the task, i.e., weve studied for months for a test, weve rehearsed our lines dozens of times, or weve played hundreds of basketball games leading up to this moment, yet our excessive worry that somehow we will fail becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and actually can affect our performance in the moment.

Sweaty palms, shakiness, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, and dry throat are all symptoms of performance anxiety that can greatly distract us from doing our best.

Symptoms Of Performance Anxiety

One lesser-known repercussion of the stress hormone cortisol is a narrowing of the blood vessels. This can prevent an erection even in healthy men who are with someone they find attractive.

The two primary symptoms of sexual performance anxiety are loss of erection and the preceding uneasy doubt that tends to lead back to the first symptom. This is the cyclical, self-fulfilling aspect of sexual performance anxiety.

How Do You Stop Performance Anxiety

Performance Anxiety Treatments Be prepared: practice, practice, practice. Limit caffeine and sugar intake the day of the performance. Shift the focus off of yourself and your fear to the enjoyment you are providing to the spectators. Dont focus on what could go wrong. Avoid thoughts that produce self-doubt.

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When To Get Help For Sexual Performance Anxiety

Occasional anxiety about sex is normal, particularly with a new partner. However, if performance anxiety is escalating, or has been occurring for longer than three months, it may be time to seek help with a medical professional and/or a sex therapist, especially if performance anxiety is occurring with more than one partner or is causing distress in other areas of your life.

The sooner that underlying issues are addressed, the easier it will be to eliminate performance anxiety and avoid a sexless marriage or relationship. Anxiety can easily become entrenched if it isnt addressed quickly. A sex therapist can help you, with or without a partner, to explore the anxiety cycle and offer interventions for reducing performance anxiety during sex.

Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety

The 3 Best Exercises to Improve Penis Strength and Sexual Function

If you’ve got sexual performance anxiety, see a doctor — someone you’re comfortable enough with to discuss your sex life. The doctor will examine you and do some tests to make sure a health condition or medication isn’t the cause of your problems.

During the exam your doctor will ask about your sexual history to find out how long you’ve had sexual performance anxiety and what kinds of thoughts are interfering with your sex life.

Medications and other therapies can help treat erectile dysfunction and other sexual problems that have physical causes. If a medical issue isn’t to blame, your doctor might suggest you try one of these approaches:

Talk to a therapist. Make an appointment with a counselor or therapist who has experience in treating sexual problems. Therapy can help you understand and then reduce or get rid of the issues that are causing your sexual performance anxiety. If you worry about , for example, you can try some techniques that help you gain more control.

Be open with your partner. Talking with your partner about your anxiety can help ease some of your worries. When you try to reach a solution together, you may draw closer as a couple and improve your sexual relationship.

Get intimate in other ways. Learn how to be intimate without sexual intercourse. Give your partner a sensual massage or take a warm bath together. Take turns pleasing each other with masturbation so you don’t always have to feel pressured to perform sexually.

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Foreplay Helps You Get Satisfied

So you think foreplay is for women, and they need it to get action and mood. Well, that applies to you too. Men want to avoid foreplay and take action. But if performance anxiety has bothered you for a while, I know a little foreplay can help.

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Usman loves to write about motivational content, self-development, and anything related to living a healthy life. He has a passion for helping others to be the best version of themselves.
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Exercise Increases Sex Ability

Take time out for your physical health as well as your mental health. Guided Meditation, Yoga, Mindful Yoga, Sex Therapy. You can also select counseling to get your partner on the same page. If you openly express your feelings in front of each other, then half the problem will be solved.

And if you have an expert who can help you find and analyze where you can do better, thats just a bonus. This will help reduce your anxiety and stress. If you are still experiencing these problems after lifestyle changes or relaxation techniques, you should see a doctor.

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How To Finally Overcome Sexual Anxiety

You want to relax, have fun, and have good sex but you cant seem to figure out how to get over this sexual anxiety.

  • Each time youre about to have sex, you get nervous
  • Thoughts like will it work this time? pop up
  • Your body doesnt respond the way you want it to
  • You end up having less than stellar sex
  • And you feel frustrated and disappointed in yourself!

Does this sound like you?

Its actually more common than you think. If you think you may have sexual anxietyknow that youre not alone.

Sexual anxiety can happen to anyone. You can have sexual performance anxiety in marriage, and you can feel sexual performance anxiety with a new partner as well! In fact, research shows that 9-25% of men and 6-16% of women experience sexual performance anxiety1.

We know that feeling sexual anxiety is a big struggle for many. But not all hope is lost.

General Relationship Problems With Your Partner

ð?How To Overcome Sexual Performance Anxiety and Fear of Sex ð?

Even for guys with the most active sex lives, intercourse itself makes up only a tiny fraction of the daily interactions they have with their lover.

Theres a heck of a lot more to a relationship than sex, and the overall quality of your relationship has important implications for your sex life.

Indeed, a poor relationship outside the bedroom can increase performance anxiety between the sheets.

Men who have trouble communicating openly and honestly with their significant other often fall into this category.

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Whats The Difference Between Sexual Performance Anxiety And Sex Avoidance

Sex avoidance is when someone has a general aversion toward sex. This person may â intimacy and the enjoyment that comes with having a sincere connection to a loving partner.â according to the Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders. They may find they canât initiate sex, but might enjoy sex after a partner has initiated it.

Sexual Aversion Disorder tends to be even more intense than general sexual avoidance. âWith this disorder, the individual actively seeks to avoid genital sexual contact with a partner. Often, the person will even avoid genital contact related to a gynecological exam or procedure. Sexual aversion disorder can be so traumatic that the person wonât allow any physical touch or kissingâ according to the Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders.

Performance Anxiety Type : Sexual Performance

The origins of sexual performance anxiety are a bit more obvious. This is a society that puts considerable pressure on how people perform in the bedroom, the size of their genitals, the need to please the partner, and so on. Combine this with inexperience, a bad sexual experience, or perceived trouble at finding sexual partners, and it is no surprise that some people develop performance anxiety in sexual situations.

How the performance anxiety manifests may differ. The most common ways include:

No matter the effects of anxiety, there is no denying that anxiety itself can create more anxiety. The more you are worried about your performance, the more your performance suffers, and the more you worry about performance in the future.

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A New Relationship Or Lack Of Previous Sexual Experience

New and different things can potentially be scary and stressful, and not all of us deal equally well with this. That is true for life in general, but also when it comes to sex.

Guys who don’t have much experience with sex and those who are expanding their horizons by trying new and different sexual activities are likely to encounter more anxiety-provoking situations.

However, feelings of uneasiness can quickly overcome even a very skilled lover when he is getting physical with a brand new partner, especially if he starts worrying about how he looks or how hes performing.

Understand How Our Thoughts Physiological State Emotions And Behavior Influence Each Other


Before we can learn to regulate our sexual anxiety so that we stay at the sweet spot for improvement, we need to understand the cognitive-behavioral relationship between mind, body, emotions, and behavior.

Your conscious experience is a complex system where the different domains Mind, Emotions, Body, and Behavior are always influencing each other. For instance, when are smiling your body is providing feedback and you feel happier . Or, when you are feeling relaxed , it’s more likely that your heart rate is slow .

Now, an external event such as going to the bedroom with your partner can trigger a sudden shift in this equilibrium. If you suffer performance anxiety, your mind is programmed to interpret the situation as a threat. You will notice that your thoughts become negative, and with that your physiological state, and emotions match this anxious belief system. Now that your heart is racing, your breathing accelerated and you are feeling anxious, your thoughts become even more negative. This undermines your confidence and you withdraw from your partner to defuse the sexual threat. Your cognitive system might even invent nausea or a headache to get out of the situation.

How do we break this vicious cycle?

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How To Overcome Performance Anxiety

If youre someone suffering from performance anxiety, you may be asking yourself how you can take control and move confidently past this uncomfortable feeling. However, its not as black and white as it may seem.

Learning how to overcome performance anxiety in sports may look different than learning how to overcome performance anxiety at work.

Since each circumstance is particularly unique, well go over a few ways to cope in each scenario.

1. Stage fright:

  • Practice until you cant practice anymore. Stage fright can become exacerbated if you arent fully prepared.
  • Limit caffeine intake beforehand.
  • Envision the crowd cheering and applauding imagine the joy youll feel after you conquer your fear.
  • Take a walk, stretch or move your body as a way to ease anxious feelings.
  • Remember that stage fright often peaks right before a performance and dissipates once you begin.

2. Sexual performance anxiety:

  • Have open communication with your partner.
  • Mindfulness meditation: Learn how to achieve a state of relaxation by calming your thoughts.
  • Yoga: There are bedroom yoga poses designed specifically to relieve sexual anxiety. These can be done alone or with a partner.

3. Athletic performance anxiety:

  • Practice makes perfect: whether solo or with others, our bodies are wonderous at muscle memory.
  • Reduce outside distractions.
  • Have a full night’s rest the night before.
  • Redirect any negative thoughts that may arise.

5. Interview anxiety:

Erectile Dysfunction And Sexual Performance Anxiety

Erectile dysfunction is a health issue that affects a lot of guys. ED is especially common in older men due to a variety of medical conditions.

In fact, about 50 percent of men in their 50s and 60s have moderate symptoms of ED however, younger men are not immune, and many experience situational or episodic cases of erectile difficulties.

Most of the time, men below 30 who have problems getting it up have no underlying physical issues. Many of these guys are probably just feeling the effects of sexual performance anxiety instead.

No one wants to deal with erectile problems, there are numerous ways to treat them. In addition to reducing or eliminating the causes of sexual anxiety, there are a number of medical and non-medical approaches you can consider in order to tackle the symptoms.

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What Is The Link Between Performance Anxiety And Ed

Sexual performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction are often linked. A man can have ED without having performance anxiety. However, performance anxiety can often lead to ED.

ED, in general, is caused by a wide variety of reasons and usually involves a combination of both physical and mental issues. One of the leading causes is stress. Therefore, it makes sense that the stress, worry, and fear of performance anxiety can lead to ED.

In addition to stress, if you suffer from performance anxiety, you are much more likely to feel down, have low self-esteem, and question your ability to perform in bed.

Understand The Role Of Anxiety


Letâs start and see what the textbook says about anxiety:

This feeling of worry leads us to avoid the underlying reason. Our mind, our ego prefers the comforting hug of safety. It quickly learns that we stay in the shelter if the fear is just strong enough. So every time we avoid the feared situation, our mind dials up our fear even more as if we would have made more bad experiences. The graph below shows exactly how your anxiety grows as you avoid it.

Whenever you are feeling anxious about sex and then avoid the situation that caused you to feel anxious then you are feeding your anxiety.

Anxiety motivates you to do become better

According to the Yerkes-Dodson law, there is a sweet spot of moderate anxiety where we humans do our best.

If we had no anxiety at all, we wouldn’t be motivated to tackle our issues. At the end of the day, anxiety is a form of physiological arousal and without it, we’d simply ignore our problems and live with it. We need a certain level of anxiety so that we invest resources to learn the required skills to overcome our sexual challenges.

Let’s take a closer look at this dynamic.

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How To Get Help For Sexual Performance Anxiety

If you are experiencing frequent or chronic performance anxiety and you believe your symptoms to be related to an underlying physical issue, you should first seek treatment through your primary care provider. They will be able to assess whether further medical treatment is needed or if referrals to other medical providers should be made. Its important to make sure that there are no underlying medical conditions, hormone imbalances, or side effects to current medications before treating the psychological components of performance anxiety.

Once medical factors have been addressed, seeking further treatment with a mental health practitioner is the next step. Even if the initial cause of performance anxiety is physiological, anxiety can become cyclical and may not dissipate once underlying causes have been addressed. When a sexual dynamic has been disrupted, regardless of the underlying cause, avoidance of sexual interactions or anxiety about sexual intimacy often occurs. In order to adequately treat avoidance or anxiety cycles around sex, an AASECT certified sex therapist should be consulted.

Dont Compare Yourself To Others

Sex can be fantastic, but there is a difference between fantasy and reality.

Licensed psychotherapist Vanessa Marin told Mens Health its important to manage your expectations when it comes to sex. Ask yourself: What, exactly, do you think performance means? What do you expect of yourself in the bedroom?

Then, Marin says, make sure your expectations are reasonable. Would you tell your best friend that he needed to live up to those same expectations? Would you expect the same things out of your partners?

Your love life and your sexual performance can be amazing without attempting to make everything perfect.

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Male Performance Anxiety Solutions

Confidence and instinct are both controlled by the Freudian Id.

The same can be said with anxiety. Actual performance and anxiety are correlated, but its not set in stone. Like a teenage boy that thinks he is Gods gift to women, but can only do it for five minutes.

Men with sexual performance anxieties either do not have enough experience or women said bad things about him. All of that can change with single mind blowing experience. A healthy body is just the first step, not only will it make a person attractive to women, it does a lot in actual performance.

A modern woman will not hesitate to make the first move. However, they wont just sleep with anything with a pole. You have to be someone women want to sleep with. Take care of your appearance and everything will happen naturally. You can even arouse a long time partner if you make positive changes in your looks.

Its understandable to have performance anxiety with a new partner. A lot of men are not up to the challenge. Confidence can be faked, but thats easier said than done. That is why a healthy body and high sex drive can help. If the woman is desirable enough for you, instinct will take over.

With enough practice, any man can gain enough experience to have real confidence and overcome sexual performance anxiety.

Stop Lingering Around And Enjoy The Moment

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General stress can be a major source of performance anxiety. Minimize distractions during sex and take plenty of time to relax and enjoy each other. Go slowly and forget everything except the feeling of being complete with your partner.

Consider what happens when you are immersed in emotions not only in your genitals but in your whole body. Creating awareness about the five senses and the subtle senses helps to calm the mind while wandering and increase the enjoyment of the whole body. You can also concentrate by holding your breath or by holding your breath. This will reduce the anxiety and allow you to get back into your body.

You may want to focus on yourself instead of your partners experience of being selfish, but if both focus more on enjoying each other, you will be overwhelmed and self-conscious. Remember that for most people, a partners happiness is a change and they feel better about themselves. Therefore, living in your own experience can dramatically increase the enjoyment of both moments.

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