How To Overcome Relationship Anxiety

Strategy : Build Trust

Any connection is built on the foundation of trust. The issue is that many people who overthink their relationships do so because they dont trust their partners.

If your partner has a history of cheating, lying, or manipulating you, you may have reason to second-guess what they say. If this is the case, youll stop overthinking when your spouse stops being untrustworthy, or you decide its time to terminate the relationship.

Where Did The Relationship Anxiety Come From

For some people, anxiety in relationships has been a lifelong companion. For others, it is a part of the trauma aftermath. In any case, relationship anxiety, like any other form of anxiety, is an attempt at coping that got out of hand. Here are some of the relationship anxiety causes confirmed by science and psychotherapy practice.

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You Doubt Your Partners Feelings For You

Another common symptom of relationship anxiety is doubting your partners feelings for you.

You may find yourself constantly wondering if they are really happy with you, or if they are just staying with you out of convenience.

Even if you can think of times when your partner has shown you their love. Even if youve both exchanged I love yous, countless timesit can be hard to believe it when youre feeling anxious.

Maybe youre afraid that they used to love you, but not anymore.

In relationship anxiety, the doubt has a way of creeping up and settling in.

What Is Anxiety Disorder

For those who suffer anxiety on a regular basis or who have greater side effects, it is possible you have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders can cause you to try to avoid situations that trigger your symptoms. This can impact your work, family, and relationship with your partner. To be classified as a disorder your anxiety must hinder you from functioning normally. So if you find yourself curled up in a ball on the ground, you need help.

The US Department of Health & Human Services lists five major types of anxiety disorders. They are:

• Generalized Anxiety Disorder This is chronic anxiety that occurs often without any prompting
• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Characterized by repetitive behaviors, such as washing your hands multiple times, cleaning, or opening and closing doors or cupboards
• Panic Disorder Often leads to panic attacks which can cause chest pain, heart palpitations, and breathing difficulty
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder While most commonly associated with soldiers, anyone who has experienced a traumatic physical situation can suffer from this disorder
• Social Phobia This manifests itself in everyday situations when other people are involved, such as public speaking or being in crowded places

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Signs And Symptoms Of Relationship Anxiety

If youre concerned you may have a tendency towards relationship anxiety, look for the following signs:

• Fear of intimacy

• Frequent arguments
• Incompatibility

Sometimes therapy for relationship anxiety uncovers low self-esteem, confidence problems, past trauma, or family problemsall of which can cause someone to experience heightened anxiety. Other times its simply negative thoughts that create feelings of jealousy or anger.

Learn To Communicate Your Needs

One thing that I had to learn in my relationship is to communicate my needs properly. One of the deactivating strategies anxiously attached women like to use is silence and resentment. Which also happens to be my favorites.

In the past, I would often shut down when I was hurt in the hopes that my partner would read my thought and seek closeness again. Well, Im sad to report that my boyfriend is not a mind reader.

Which means I had to learn to verbalize my needs.

Being able to communicate better alleviates a lot of misunderstanding and leads to more intimacy.

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The Myth Of The Perfect Partner

Constantly wondering if theres someone else out there better for you than the person you found is incredibly detrimental. News flash: Your perfect match does not exist. Esther Perel, relationship therapist , adamantly repeats this fact to her clients. This means that neither you nor your partner can ever expect to handle every situation ideally or rationally. It also means when youve found a great thing, dont worry about greener grass in some other yard.

How To Use This Information

The key to making using of Brian and Alicias story is to make an honest appraisal of your own fears, anxieties and responses to forming close intimate relationships. Write these down and then proceed to consider how realistic each of these fears are in your current relationship.

At this point it can be helpful to have a friend or counselor look at the list with you and provide their opinion about how realistic these items appear to be.

Now choose those fears that are clearly unrealistic and also appear to be major stumbling blocks that get in the way of developing a more satisfying relationship. Take some time to think about what corrective experience would be act as a good first step in refuting this fear?

Dont rush this part, but take your time. Come up with several things you could do and be as specific as possible. Then select one, and move forward with putting that experience in your life. Just as in the example above, Brian would have needed to speak with Alicia about his insecurities regarding his ability to provide. He then would have needed to refrain from spending even more time at work.

In that case, it is unlikely to provide you much help. Do something that requires mustering a degree of courage. Then youll know that your are on the right track.

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You Constantly Seek Reassurance

Frequently seeking reassurance is another sign you may be experiencing relationship anxiety.

This might look like repeatedly asking them if theyre happy with you, if they still love you, or if they see a future with you.

It can also look like needing them to check in with you constantly, or asking them to reassure you that theyre not going to leave.

While its normal to want reassurance from your partner, if you find yourself needing it constantlyit may be a sign that your anxiety is starting to take over.

Relationship Anxiety Is Real: Heres How To Deal

May 11, 2020 | By: Elevate Counseling + Wellness

You love your partner. But the nagging voice in your head telling you something bad will happen just wont quit. What if theyre cheating on me? What if theyre lying? Are they going to leave me at any moment? Should I be with someone else?

These doubts can undoubtedly feel overwhelming. After all, you want to feel secure in your relationship, and you want to enjoy the time you spend with your partner. But what constitutes reasonable relationship anxiety? When do you know things have gotten out of hand? And how do you actually deal?

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Recognize That Your Feelings Are Valid But Feelings Arent Always Facts

Emotions come and go without warning and it can be easy to jump to a negative conclusion.6 Practice giving your relationships the benefit of the doubt and reframing your negative thoughts in a more positive light. Instead of saying, I always push people away and nobody loves me, say I attract love and people are drawn to my warmth and energy.

So Is It Anxiety Or Plain Old Stress

Heres the thing: Everyone, at some point, probably experiences some anxiety about a relationship. If we didnt, we might be sociopathic. When we like someone, we hope they like us too! When were married to someone, we work hard at it and its not always easy. Continued, overwhelming anxiety about relationship-specific issues is what requires some major rewiring.

Luckily, the stigma around mental health has been challenged in recent years and people are much more open to discussing anxiety disorders and learning how to tackle them, one step at a time.

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Tip #: Whatever You Do: Dont Give Up

We already mentioned this in Tip #4, when you are trying to overcome your fear of intimacy, it is inevitable that you will encounter obstacles.

The trick is to overcome these obstacles.

And that wont be easy.

But it is necessary.

After all, its MUCH better to be with someone rather than being alone. And to have a guy that you can share your lovely moments with. A man who loves you.

Dont let a bad experience in the past take this away from you, because that would be a shame

So no matter how difficult it may be, dont stop looking for happiness.

Because its always better to break your heart a few times to find the right man than it is to cut yourself off from love completely.

And most people didnt get it right the first time, so dont give up.

How Do I Get Over Relationship Anxiety

Theres a lot of different approaches for reducing this and other anxieties. The biggest thing I would recommend is for you to connect with a counselor. They will use cognitive behavioral therapy, which is a research-backed approach that is effective for reducing relationship anxiety.

It essentially boils down to what you think affects how you feel, which then affects how you behave. It helps you to restructure your thoughts so you dont feel anxious as often.

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So What Can I Do About It

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On the bright side, you have full control over coping with your anxiety. It all starts from withinâby getting familiar with anxiety, says Sommerfeldt. Identifying the actual root of anxiety is the first step to showing it the door.

Sommerfeldt recommends implementing “self-soothing” and “calming-type methods,” such as self-care practices. She suggests walking your dog, meditating, taking a bath, journaling, or any other self-care activity you resonate with that will help boost confidence. “Doing the self-care work will help with controlling your impulses to seek validation. You’ll build a stronger sense of self and anxiety decreases,” she explains.

While working on your own anxiety triggers is important, working on them together is a good idea, too.

“Couples should look into therapy or counseling options,” suggests Sommerfeldt.

Communication is key to working on relationship anxiety as a couple. “Everyone has their own method of communication that works for them,” she adds, and a professional can help you determine what that is and how to keep those lines of communication open so you can feel more confident in and about your relationship.

Consistently Doubting That You Matter To Your Partner

Do they even love me? Do they want to get back with their ex? Is this really going to go anywhere?

Relationships are inherently built on a sense of trust. Of course, this trust takes time to build, and if your partner consistently breaches your trust, thats a cause for serious concern. But if they tend to be stable and consistent in their behavior, it may be more of a reflection of your anxiety.

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You Believe The End Is Nigh

No matter how well your relationship is going, you cant shift the nagging feeling that its all about to go a bit Titanic and hit an iceberg before sinking with you on board.

Even the most insignificant disagreement between you and your partner has your stomach churning with fear that your chances of a happily-ever-after have well and truly bitten the dust.

Triggers For Anxiety In Relationships

There wont always be a specific behavior that will trigger relationship anxiety. Sometimes the anxious thoughts and feelings will appear seemingly out of nowhere.

Stressful past experiences may play a role in future relationship anxiety, such as:

• A previous partner cheating on you
• Being repeatedly or significantly lied to
• Past relationships ending unexpectedly or sudden breakup
• The sudden death of a partner
• Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse

Having had a poor relationship with your parents or parents divorcing may increase your risk of developing relationship anxiety or separation anxiety .

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Differentiating Between Guidance Anxiety And Sabotaging Fear

Guidance anxiety is the anxiety that is active inside of you because it wants to tell you something real.

You have likely felt guidance anxiety if youve ever ignored your hearts calling to pursue a specific person, career, or creative project. You may have also experienced guidance anxiety in a relationship when there actually was a core incompatibility between you and your significant other and your body told you to get out.

Sabotaging fear is the kind of anxiety that throws a temper tantrum for no discernible reason. When you engage this kind of anxiety in a dialogue its response comes up short. If your mind has no real reason to be afraid of the person youre in a relationship with and you enjoy a high degree of friendship compatibility and friendship compatibility, then you are likely being led by your ego which always wants to destroy connection at all costs.

But if youre drowning in anxiety and it feels increasingly difficult to tell the difference between whether what youre experiencing is guidance anxiety versus sabotaging fear, it might be time to get an outside perspective.

Signs Of Relationship Anxiety

Relationship anxiety can plague anyone, and experiencing it doesnt necessarily mean that youre in a bad relationship. Oftentimes, fear and worry stem from not wanting to go through a breakup or being reluctant to be vulnerable due to previous hurts, like if youve been cheated on in the past.

Here are seven signs you may be experiencing relationship anxiety :

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What Thoughts Perpetuate Relationship Anxiety

The specific critical inner voices we have about ourselves, our partner and relationships are formed out of early attitudes we were exposed to in our family or in society at large. Sexual stereotypes as well as attitudes that our influential caretakers had toward themselves and others can infiltrate our point of view and shade our current perceptions. While, everyones inner critic is different, some common critical inner voices include:

Critical Inner Voices about the Relationship

• People just wind up getting hurt.
• Relationships never work out.

• Men are so insensitive, unreliable, selfish.
• Women are so fragile, needy, indirect.
• He only cares about being with his friends.
• Why get so excited? Whats so great about her anyway?
• Hes probably cheating on you.
• You cant trust her.
• He just cant get anything right.

• Youre never going to find another person who understands you.
• Dont get too hooked on her.
• He doesnt really care about you.
• She is too good for you.
• Youve got to keep him interested.
• Youre better off on your own.
• As soon as she gets to know you, she will reject you.
• Youve got to be in control.
• Its your fault if he gets upset.
• Dont be too vulnerable or youll just wind up getting hurt.

Masculine & Feminine Differences

Does this come as a surprise to you?

Well, it shouldnt! Men and women in general have different reproductive agendas when dating.

Whats a reproductive agenda?

Its what you are subconsciously looking to achieve and what you need from a new partner.

Above all, these different needs and biological goals inspire a different worldview in the male and female species.

Due to this fact, its completely understandable that you would be experiencing relationship anxiety, or relationship anxiety in general!

You are actually dealing with a completely different species of human.

These differences will cause you stress, but its whether you understand the masculine and feminine perspective or not that makes all the difference in how easily you get a partner to commit their heart and soul to you.

If youd like a masters degree in understanding men , check out our most popular program, Understanding Men.

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My Husband Or Boyfriend Gives Me Anxiety

Many women and men experience anxiety as a result of the behaviors of their significant other. Some of these behaviors include:

• Hiding things .
• Physical intimidation.

These are all potentially problematic issues that need to be addressed in a relationship for it to work, and all potential causes of anxiety.

In some cases, the anxiety may be for other, unrelated reasons. Some people are afraid that their partner will leave them. Some people experience anxiety because their partner is “too” something – too rich, too good-looking, too busy, too talkative, etc. The partner has qualities that lead to anxiety.

Successfully evaluating the quality of the relationship is critical for determining how to eliminate the anxiety.